Free Ride

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out.

The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?"

"Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?"

Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

A Good Lecturer

A good lecture should be like a Girl’s mini skirt…

Long enough to cover the subject &
short enough to create interest.

Turkey & Thanksgiving Day

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Amazing Court Case

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on him.

In the court the man's deference was:-

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was

pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read 

"Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:-

 "William's stick did the trick"..

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:-

"Dun lop Rubber would have prevented this 

accident"..

The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing.  

Classic Students!!!

1. Teacher : Ok class; let us show the principal and our guests how much we have learnt so far dis year! Let’s do comparisons .... 

So if I say small, you say small, smaller, smallest.

[Students nod]

Teacher : Big

Class : “Big, Bigger, Biggest.” ....

Teacher : “clean.”

Class : “clean, cleaner, cleanest.

Teacher : “tall.”

Class : “tall, taller, tallest.

Teacher [smiles] :”very good!!!

Class : “very good, very goodder, very goodest.

Teacher : “oh gosh.”

Class : oh gosh, oh gosher, oh goshest!!!

Teacher : “stop it now”

Class : “stop it now, stop it nower, stop it nowest!!!

Teacher : “oh please.”

Class :”oh please, oh pleaser, oh please-st..

Teacher : “Look at me..!!!

Class : “look at me, look at me-er, look at me-est.

Teacher : “what a disgrace!

Class : “what a disgrace, what a disgracer, what a disgrace-st.

Teacher [furious] : I don die…

Class : I don die, I don dier, I don diest!!!

Teacher faint! 

Dictionary of WOMENS!!!

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card 

Moth Moth & Moth Joke

How do you make a butterfly?
Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

What insect lives on nothing?
A moth, because it eats holes.

 How do stones stop moths eating your clothes?
Because rolling stones gather no moths!

What do insects learn at school?
Mothmatics!

What's the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see the floor show!

What's pretty, delicate and carries a sub machine gun?
A killer butterfly!

Why was the moth so unpopular?
He kept picking holes in everything!

What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth?
An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!

Good to be American

Top Eleven reasosn why it's great to be American

1.You can have a woman president without electing her

2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

3.You can call Budweiser beer

4.You can be a crook and still be president

5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

6.If you can breathe you can get a gun

7.You can invent a new public holiday every year

8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9.You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

10.You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

11.You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

English Language

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form 
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends. The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form 
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends. 

Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."