Free Trip!!

Living on Earth may be expensive, 

but it includes an annual free Trip around the Sun…

Pull or Push???

whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this 

world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”

IF women ruled this world

If women ruled the world there would be no wars…

It would just be a group of jealous countries, not talking to each other.

Insulting One liner collection

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. 

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. 

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. 

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. 

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! 

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. 

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. 

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. 

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! 

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. 

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! 

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! 

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

FedEx

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

Duck's Opinion

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Bed

When I was a girl, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Escalator

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

Sleep

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Tennis

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Plant

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.